Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize