It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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