I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
