it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
