Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
