dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
