Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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