I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize