I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
