Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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