He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
