Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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