we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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