If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drunk is not a location!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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