I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
