he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
