Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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