I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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