Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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