Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
