i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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