Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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