i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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