OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
