Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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