so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
