Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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