hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
