I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
