He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
