I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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