I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
