Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
