The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
