Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize