I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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