you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
