Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
