He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
