Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
