He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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