We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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