my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
