My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
