You really coming over, don't trick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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