the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
