I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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