he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You were trust falling into bushes
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
