So drunk its hurt
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
