In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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