I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Another day, another engagement, another cat
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
