Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
