I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
