its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
