wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
