"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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