2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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