last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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