i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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