Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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