my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
