I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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