I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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